Interview With A Sparklepire
by ACCOUNT HAS BEEN REMOVED
Summary: WARNING: Anti story. A written copy of the fictional interview between Jenny Kyle and Edward Cullen. Edward attempts to answer some questions put forth by both anti's and twihards! Rated M for language and mild sexual themes.


**Hello, this is my first ever story, so be nice! Constructive criticism accepted, but if you just post "this is stupid! You suck!" etc. without giving me a reason, I shall ban you. Understand? **

**DISCLAIMER: Twilight Rights = Not mine. And never will be. Hopefully.**

**The following conversation was recordered (by a tape recorder) on the 14****th**** March 2010...**

Jenny Kyle, reporter**: **Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3.

Edward Cullen, vampire: 5, 6, 7.

Jenny: You forgot four.

Edward: No I didn't.

Jenny: Yes you did.

Edward: Prove it.

(Silence. Tape is rewinded.)

Edward: I…

Jenny: Moving on…

Edward: I don't understand it! I am always right! How could I have forgotten such a simple aspect?

Jenny: Anyway, back to the interview. Hi! My name is Jenny Kyle, and with me is legendary vampire, and teenage phenomenon, Edward Cullen!

Edward: Hello.

Jenny: So Edward, how are you enjoying having a freaky demon-spaw - er, human/vampire hybrid child?

Edward: It's alright, I guess.

Jenny: So, how exactly was it possible for you to have a child?

Edward: It doesn't matter that I am frozen in time. Males are able to have children no matter what age they-

Jenny: But wouldn't your sperm have all died?

Edward: I beg your pardon?

Jenny: Sperm requires a specific temperature to exist. Your body would be far too cold for the sperm to survive, wouldn't it? They would all die. And because you are dead, therefore your body organs would not work, you would not be able to produce more.

Edward: Um…

Jenny: Also, how is it possible for humans and vampires to interbreed?

Edward: Well, take for example the mule-

Jenny: But vampires are human's natural predators, are they not?

Edward: Well, yes, they are supposed to be, but I personally-

Jenny: So wouldn't vampires have different adaptations to humans? I mean, come on, humans are omnivores, and vampires are carnivorous.

Edward: Well, how about the Liger, a cross between-

Jenny: A Lion and a Tiger have the same number of chromosomes. Vampires have two more than humans. Wouldn't this be a factor? The baby would, realistically, be deformed, sterile, or stillborn. And if it is sterile, how can the baby be imprinted on?

Edward: Well, as Renesmee is a cross between a vampire and a human, she has 24 chromosomes, the same amount as werewolves, meaning-

Jenny: No, scientifically, she would have twenty-three human chromosomes, and two vampire chromosomes. Again, this would lead to severe deformities.

Edward: Well, it's not supposed to be scientific!

Jenny: You made it scientific. You could have just said: It's magic. No one would have been able to argue with that. But no, you have to go explain it with your chromosomes and mules. You can't backtrack now.

Edward: Well…you smell like cheese!

Jenny: Cheese?

Edward: Rotten old cheese!

Jenny. Sure. Anyway, moving on…why do you sparkle in the sunlight?

Edward: Well, it sure would be silly to burst into flames when I step into the sunlight, wouldn't it?

Jenny: No.

Edward: Well, er…I sparkle because my skin is hard. Like diamonds.

Jenny: But how can you move if your skin is like diamond?

Edward: What?

Jenny: Surely, your skin being as hard as it is, you would not be able to move, as your skin would not be flexible. Kind of like a dinosaur.

Edward: Well, er……

Jenny: Also, why is your skin pale?

Edward: Because I am dead.

Jenny: Right. That explains everything.

Edward: Yes.

Jenny: Okay. Why don't you need to sleep?

Edward: I never get tired.

Jenny: Why? With the amount of physical activity you go through each day, and your only nourishment being blood, surely you would need at least as much rest as a human?

Edward: Er…

Jenny: And why can't you perform certain bodily functions?

Edward: What?

Jenny: Why can't you…you know…

Edward: What?

Jenny: Why can't you shit?

Edward: What? Young ladies should not use such vulgar language!

Jenny: Seriously. Why?

Edward: Um…I do not know…

Jenny: Surely what goes in must come out somehow?

Edward: Er…yes, I suppose, but…our body uses all that we take in, so we have nothing to excrete.

Jenny: That's a stupid evolution. So, you can't store fat?

Edward: Yes.

Jenny: So your body is permanently in starvation mode?

Edward: No! I mean…well, kind of.

Jenny: You call yourself a vegetarian vampire, don't you?

Edward: Yes.

Jenny: So, you prey on animals instead of food, right?

Edward: Yes.

Jenny: Explain to me how that is vegetarian?

Edward: It's just a joke!

Jenny: Oh yes, I know, the deer you ate for breakfast today thinks that it's hilarious.

Edward: Would you prefer me to prey on humans?

Jenny: No, but stop calling yourself a vegetarian vampire. You're not. Also, your favourite food is Mountain Lion, right?

Edward: Yes.

Jenny: Do you know that the Mountain Lion is a threatened species?

Edward: What?

Jenny: You hunt a threatened species.

Edward: For food!

Jenny: But there is plenty of other food around. You just decide to hunt the threatened one.

Edward: I…that's not fair! Humans made it a threatened species!

Jenny: And hunting them down is not going to help, no matter whose fault it is.

(Silence)

Jenny: Okay, Edward, now we have some questions from our readers!

Edward: Good.

Jenny: Our readers were asked to post some videos on our site, asking questions for you! Let's watch some now!

Edward: Sure.

Hannah: Hi! I'm Hannah McBride from Virginia, USA! My friends and I think you are so hot!

Edward: Why, thank you-

Hannah: You know how you sparkle, right? Do you sparkle everywhere?

Edward: What do-

Hannah: As in, your penis?

(Silence)Edward: What?

Jenny: She asked you whether your-

Edward: I know what she said.

Jenny: Oh. So, does it?

Edward: That's personal.

Jenny: Answer.

Edward: Well…I suppose so…I've never really checked…

Jenny: Edward.

Edward: Okay, okay, yes! It does.

Jenny: Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Edward: Did you have to show me that question?

Jenny: 98% of the posters asked that question.

Edward: Oh.

Jenny: Time for another question!

Marika: Hey Edward, I'm Marika Rangi, from Taupo, New Zealand. What happened when Bella got her period? You know, when she was human?

Edward: Really, is this necessary?

Jenny: 1.9% of the posters-

Edward: Good lord, are all my fan girls this creepy?

Jenny: No. There are a few sane ones.

Edward: Well, that's a relief.

Jenny: Unfortunately, none of them seems to have posted a question on our site.

Edward: Oh.

Jenny: So, what's your answer, Edward?

Edward: Well, a period is made up of dead blood, and that doesn't affect me as strongly as normal blood. It was a little uncomfortable though, and I tended to avoid her a little around those times.

Jenny: And one more question.

Edward: Thank heavens.

Jenny: This question was asked by 0.1% of the posters.

Edward: Oh lord.

Jamie: Hello, Edward, I'm Jamie Andrews, from York, England! I love your eyes! They're so cute. Anyway, I want to know, what do you feel when you read fan fiction?

Edward: Fan…fiction?

Jenny: Stories written about you by fans.

Edward: Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

Jenny: Read this.

Edward: What on earth is brewdening love?

Jenny: Read, and find out.

(Silence. Goes on for quite a while)

Edward: What the fuck was that?

Jenny: Fan fiction.

Edward: What the hell? Does she even pay attention to whatever the fuck she is writing?

Jenny: Probably not.

Edward: Since when am I a fucking emo? What the hell is the plot? This girl is a fucking stalker! And why do I act like that? I would not act like that! This is a load of shit.

Jenny: Yeah, well, it gets worse.

Edward: What is this…Lady Of Sorrow?

Jenny: Unfortunately.

(Silence)

Jenny: Well, that's all we have time for right now!

Edward: Lasers? Out of my fucking eyes? What the hell?

Jenny: I would just like to thank our guest, Edward Cullen for letting us interview him!

Edward: That's it, I'm killing this bitch!

Jenny: Edward! No! You can't!

Edward: (faintly) How dare she!

( Sound of running footsteps. Then silence)

**I know it's out of Edward's character to swear…but if a story like Brewdening Love was written about you, you would too, wouldn't you?**

**Yes, some of this was based on actual encounters with fan girls…see if you can guess what ones!**

**Review!**


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